So, I called the doctor and set up an appointment. The feeling of trepidation was overwhelming as I walked through the doors and into the waiting room. They called my name and the fear washed over me completely. Then, of course, there was the time spent in the office waiting for the doctor. At this point, breathing seemed like a luxury that I wasn’t going to be granted anytime soon. Then the doctor came
Well, I don’t know what I was expecting from that appointment, but it was anti-climatic. The doctor reviewed my chart, I was examined and we talked. No answers, no solutions; just an appointment to start testing. Test #1: hysterosalpingogram.
Oh, yeah…with testing comes the need for a medical degree to just understand what is being done to you.
Anyway, it was a difficult time. Emotionally it was a roller coaster of “good news!! This test doesn’t show anything wrong!” followed by “bad news? This test didn’t show anything wrong, so we need to run a different test.” Blood test after blood test and one invasive procedure after another…
If you have ever wanted something that always seemed just out of reach, you can understand the feelings that start to overcome a person who wants a baby and can’t seem to make one. Regardless of the reasons, you start to feel totally inadequate.
I found myself in this place of sadness and confusion. Didn’t God make women to have children? Didn’t he say “go forth and multiply”? Why was I defective? I constantly wondered what egregious thing I had done that I was being punished for.
In 2005, Brian was offered a job back in Pennsylvania and we decided it was time to move on. Our 3 years in Vermont were fabulous. The bond with my parents, the learning experience at the restaurant, the growth in our relationship and the financial recovery that we were able to make during those years is unforgettable. It was hard to leave, but we knew that it was time. And we were going back to a place where our friends awaited us with open arms.
I found a new doctor – someone who specialized in fertility care and soon a diagnosis was finally reached. What a relief! Now, we could start treating the problem. Women with Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome are plagued with inadequate hormone support as well as the potential of not ovulating at all. There was treatment, though. In conjunction with daily charting, I found myself on hormone supplements, ovulatory stimulants, mucus builders and a monthly requirement for blood work. Needles again!! Have I mentioned yet my complete distaste and fear of needles??
After a YEAR of treatments, the doctor decided it was time to examine the possibility of endometriosis. An exploratory surgery was scheduled for February of 2007– and off I went. The surgery was successful. Not only did they discover stage 2 endometriosis, but scar tissue from the previous surgery and one ovary stuck to the outside of my uterus!!
I was losing hope. It had been 4 years since that Valentine’s Day when we decided it was time to have a baby. Suddenly, everyone around me seemed pregnant. All of my friends were either having babies or were DONE having babies. We’d been married for 8 years and had heard “so, when are you having kids?” so many times that I had lost track. And, let me tell you, when you want desperately to have a baby and CAN’T – nothing hurts more than hearing that question. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go on. The routine was ridiculous. Take Chlomid days 3-7, take Mucinex day 12 thru Peak + 1, take antibiotic days 12-16, take progesterone and estrodial Peak + 3 thru Peak + 12, have blood test on Peak +7. It was exhausting!! It was almost comical sometimes. Go to the doctor for a cold or physical or whatever and what do they ask…”are you on any medications right now?” Boy, I had to bring in a sheet. I was like a walking pharmacy when I had to bring bottles with me to show labels. Was it worth it? Were the stress and anxiety and depression and heartache ever going to pay off? How much longer was I going to have to wait?
January 25, 2008…I got the call…the wait was over.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
God in our Children
“I need to check something the computer!!” I hear Alyssa repeating my words from the living room while I am watching dishes and I think “oh, man, I say that way too much to her!”. I watch as she climbs up onto the couch and turns the laptop to face her direction and starts pressing keys. Suppressing the urge to tell her not to touch, I just continue washing dishes and wait to see what happens.
“Oh! God tells us to be kind. The bible says to listen and be nice to our friends. That’s what the computer says that God says. I have to be nice!”
WHAT?!?!!? When I use the computer it is for email and facebook and recipes and a myriad of other things – it isn’t generally to sit down and read God’s word (that’s what the cell phone is for!! lol!!) So she didn’t get that concept from me. I don’t think that is what shocked me most though. It was just the very idea that she was sitting there talking about God and His teaching like that. Isn’t she just a baby? How could she know that? Does that mean she actually comprehends what she learns in Sunday School and the things we talk about when we read bible stories and when we have those moments of life’s little lessons? Wow, have I been underestimating her and her ability to understand.
With that in mind, I went in search of a way to better my skills at teaching her God’s word. I know that example is an excellent learning tool. That means I need to be more intentional about “walking the walk and talking the talk”. I also know that God’s word is best learned by studying it. I am an awful example for that. I struggle to make that a priority in MY life, let alone for her. I thought “if I can’t do this in my own life, how can I be expected to do it in hers?”. I heard the words in my head that someone once shared “being in God’s word once may be all you can handle in a day. Be in it with your child and you will both benefit. Even when reading those passages you have studied before, you will now see it through the eyes of your child, opening up a new world and a new understanding. The benefits will be endless and the rewards will be great!”. So I purchased a little devotional for 2-5 year olds. Short little stories and an activity is just right for us. Between that and committing to read a bible story to her each day, I am hoping to grow along side of her in my knowledge and understanding and love for the Lord.
“Oh! God tells us to be kind. The bible says to listen and be nice to our friends. That’s what the computer says that God says. I have to be nice!”
WHAT?!?!!? When I use the computer it is for email and facebook and recipes and a myriad of other things – it isn’t generally to sit down and read God’s word (that’s what the cell phone is for!! lol!!) So she didn’t get that concept from me. I don’t think that is what shocked me most though. It was just the very idea that she was sitting there talking about God and His teaching like that. Isn’t she just a baby? How could she know that? Does that mean she actually comprehends what she learns in Sunday School and the things we talk about when we read bible stories and when we have those moments of life’s little lessons? Wow, have I been underestimating her and her ability to understand.
With that in mind, I went in search of a way to better my skills at teaching her God’s word. I know that example is an excellent learning tool. That means I need to be more intentional about “walking the walk and talking the talk”. I also know that God’s word is best learned by studying it. I am an awful example for that. I struggle to make that a priority in MY life, let alone for her. I thought “if I can’t do this in my own life, how can I be expected to do it in hers?”. I heard the words in my head that someone once shared “being in God’s word once may be all you can handle in a day. Be in it with your child and you will both benefit. Even when reading those passages you have studied before, you will now see it through the eyes of your child, opening up a new world and a new understanding. The benefits will be endless and the rewards will be great!”. So I purchased a little devotional for 2-5 year olds. Short little stories and an activity is just right for us. Between that and committing to read a bible story to her each day, I am hoping to grow along side of her in my knowledge and understanding and love for the Lord.
Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it. ~Proverbs 22:6
Monday, September 12, 2011
Scaling the Mountain to Mommy-hood, part 2
On Valentine’s Day in 2003 our dinner was surrounded by conversation of our future family. We talked excitedly about our plans – how many kids we would like to have, girls/boys, names. At that table, in that moment, we chose the name Alyssa Rose – little did we know that this name would still ring in our hearts on the day our little girl joined us. All this excitement launched us into our crazy new journey. We didn’t consult doctors at this point. We just filed away our knowledge of my medical history and got to work. After all, trying is supposed to be the fun part, right?
Now, let me remind you – at this point we were living in Vermont. We moved there to live AND work with my parents. If anyone has ever worked with a spouse, you know how tenuous life can be. Add to that the dynamics of parents, children, in-laws and spouses working AND living together and you can guess at the stress that existed some days for everyone. Brian felt especially stressed; for as grateful as he was, he felt incompetent as a provider.
Fortunately, God knew what was best. He provided Brian with an excellent opportunity to accept a job outside the family business. It was something in a field he was interested in and close to the education he received in college. It was an awesome thing for him. It allowed him separation and it let him begin to feel like himself and give him a feeling of control over life. It also gave us a little more peace about our future, knowing that we could forge forward without relying on my parents.
After several months we weren’t pregnant. People tried to be encouraging; “don’t worry, it doesn’t always happen right away” and “it can take awhile” and “you need to give it at least a year”. Well, after a year, I started hating the pregnancy tests. Negative. They were always negative. It was frustrating and annoying and painful and confusing all rolled into one. I called the doctor.
Now, let me remind you – at this point we were living in Vermont. We moved there to live AND work with my parents. If anyone has ever worked with a spouse, you know how tenuous life can be. Add to that the dynamics of parents, children, in-laws and spouses working AND living together and you can guess at the stress that existed some days for everyone. Brian felt especially stressed; for as grateful as he was, he felt incompetent as a provider.
Fortunately, God knew what was best. He provided Brian with an excellent opportunity to accept a job outside the family business. It was something in a field he was interested in and close to the education he received in college. It was an awesome thing for him. It allowed him separation and it let him begin to feel like himself and give him a feeling of control over life. It also gave us a little more peace about our future, knowing that we could forge forward without relying on my parents.
After several months we weren’t pregnant. People tried to be encouraging; “don’t worry, it doesn’t always happen right away” and “it can take awhile” and “you need to give it at least a year”. Well, after a year, I started hating the pregnancy tests. Negative. They were always negative. It was frustrating and annoying and painful and confusing all rolled into one. I called the doctor.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Rainbow Reflections
In the aftermath of Hurricane Irene, I find myself on my knees; heartbroken and praying for all those who are struggling to get through the day to day and recover from the damages left in her path. My home-state of Vermont was horribly impacted by the storm. The state is normally protected from the crazy winds of tropical storms because of the mountains - what makes the state so beautiful. After all, it is the Green Mountain State. This time, the mountains are the very thing that increased the destruction and devastation.
As the water receded and the damage was assessed, people quickly realized that it was than water washing over the roads and through neighborhoods. Basements had inches of mud, roads were completely gone in sections leaving chasms and beautiful, historic bridges washed away. People were dead.
People all over the East Coast were impacted by Irene. We've heard a lot about power outages and down trees. Frustrating and horribly inconvenient. However, no food? No medicine? No baby formula? No way to get supplies OTHER than to have them air-dropped or hiked in by volunteers? That is scary. There are entire towns that have been turned into "islands" in the middle of the state because all the roads out have been washed away. They are completely cut-off. It could be months before power returns to some of these places.
How does this happen? Vermont isn't along. Connecticut, New Jersey and other states have lost power and had collapsed houses and other damage. People lost lifetime memories; lost home; lost loved ones. Didn't God make a promise to not flood the earth again? Why come so close in so many places?
In Genesis 9, God makes a promise. He offers a rainbow as a symbol of that promise. In the midst of chaos and destruction and rainy storms it is hard to remain focused on the love of God. We need to remember that, as bad as it gets, God will ALWAYS be there to protect us and for us to lean on. In the rain, watch for the rainbows - it will remind you not only of His promise, but of His presence.
With Irene returning to whence it came, people are pulling together in my little home state. The love of God is being exhibited across the state as people help each other clean their houses, donate food and time and other necessities and just simply provide moral support. They are a great example of God's brotherly love - one that we can all learn from. It doesn't require hurricane destruction to help a neighbor in need, just a willing heard and a helpful attitude. We all it in us.
Genesis 9:12-17
And God said, "this is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on earth". So God said to Noah, "This is the sign of the covenant I have established between me and all life on the earth."
As the water receded and the damage was assessed, people quickly realized that it was than water washing over the roads and through neighborhoods. Basements had inches of mud, roads were completely gone in sections leaving chasms and beautiful, historic bridges washed away. People were dead.
People all over the East Coast were impacted by Irene. We've heard a lot about power outages and down trees. Frustrating and horribly inconvenient. However, no food? No medicine? No baby formula? No way to get supplies OTHER than to have them air-dropped or hiked in by volunteers? That is scary. There are entire towns that have been turned into "islands" in the middle of the state because all the roads out have been washed away. They are completely cut-off. It could be months before power returns to some of these places.
How does this happen? Vermont isn't along. Connecticut, New Jersey and other states have lost power and had collapsed houses and other damage. People lost lifetime memories; lost home; lost loved ones. Didn't God make a promise to not flood the earth again? Why come so close in so many places?
In Genesis 9, God makes a promise. He offers a rainbow as a symbol of that promise. In the midst of chaos and destruction and rainy storms it is hard to remain focused on the love of God. We need to remember that, as bad as it gets, God will ALWAYS be there to protect us and for us to lean on. In the rain, watch for the rainbows - it will remind you not only of His promise, but of His presence.
With Irene returning to whence it came, people are pulling together in my little home state. The love of God is being exhibited across the state as people help each other clean their houses, donate food and time and other necessities and just simply provide moral support. They are a great example of God's brotherly love - one that we can all learn from. It doesn't require hurricane destruction to help a neighbor in need, just a willing heard and a helpful attitude. We all it in us.
Genesis 9:12-17
And God said, "this is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on earth". So God said to Noah, "This is the sign of the covenant I have established between me and all life on the earth."
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Recovery's Road: Sleep Can Wait
Recovery's Road: Sleep Can Wait: So many moments in life are fleeting. The moments that are my favorite are the snuggles and shared smiles with my darling daughter. The lo...
Sleep Can Wait
So many moments in life are fleeting. The moments that are my favorite are the snuggles and shared smiles with my darling daughter. The love that spills out of her just lights up everything in my life. Her smile makes my heart burst with joy and her little sighs as she sleeps in my arms make my whole body just sink in relaxation and comfort.
Who cares if it's 2am when I hear "mommy, I am having a hard time sleeping!! Will you snuggle in my chair?" Sleep can wait - these moments are going to last forever.
Who cares if it's 2am when I hear "mommy, I am having a hard time sleeping!! Will you snuggle in my chair?" Sleep can wait - these moments are going to last forever.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Parenting and Outbursts
We all know how cathartic it can feel to simply sit and cry when life is completely overwhelming. And those big old belly laughs that you share with friends are totally awesome for the soul too.
So, if crying and screaming and a general breakdown can leave an adult feeling better, then why are we as parents so quick to hush our kids when they are having a melt down?
On the way home from Vermont on Thursday, Alyssa was in such an over-tired state of mind that she became what can only be described as possessed. From the back seat she screamed, cried, demanded, kicked and screamed some more. In the front seat I pondered the best way to handle this purple faced child in the backseat. I could yell at her, but that would just teach her that the right thing to do when you aren't getting your way is to yell - that is if she even heard me. I could pull the car over and spank her, but that didn't seem like a safe plan on the side of the highway.
So, I laughed. I didn't know what else to do. So, there we were driving down the road with a screaming, out-of-control child in the backseat and a laughing mom in the front seat. 35 minutes later, Alyssa fell asleep and I enjoyed the silence.
Sometimes we need to let the emotions out in whatever way we can. Sometimes being a good parent means letting our kids cry and work through it on their own.
So, if crying and screaming and a general breakdown can leave an adult feeling better, then why are we as parents so quick to hush our kids when they are having a melt down?
On the way home from Vermont on Thursday, Alyssa was in such an over-tired state of mind that she became what can only be described as possessed. From the back seat she screamed, cried, demanded, kicked and screamed some more. In the front seat I pondered the best way to handle this purple faced child in the backseat. I could yell at her, but that would just teach her that the right thing to do when you aren't getting your way is to yell - that is if she even heard me. I could pull the car over and spank her, but that didn't seem like a safe plan on the side of the highway.
So, I laughed. I didn't know what else to do. So, there we were driving down the road with a screaming, out-of-control child in the backseat and a laughing mom in the front seat. 35 minutes later, Alyssa fell asleep and I enjoyed the silence.
Sometimes we need to let the emotions out in whatever way we can. Sometimes being a good parent means letting our kids cry and work through it on their own.
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