Scaling the Mountain to Mommy-hood, part 3

So, I called the doctor and set up an appointment. The feeling of trepidation was overwhelming as I walked through the doors and into the waiting room. They called my name and the fear washed over me completely. Then, of course, there was the time spent in the office waiting for the doctor. At this point, breathing seemed like a luxury that I wasn’t going to be granted anytime soon. Then the doctor came

Well, I don’t know what I was expecting from that appointment, but it was anti-climatic. The doctor reviewed my chart, I was examined and we talked. No answers, no solutions; just an appointment to start testing. Test #1: hysterosalpingogram.

Oh, yeah…with testing comes the need for a medical degree to just understand what is being done to you.

Anyway, it was a difficult time. Emotionally it was a roller coaster of “good news!! This test doesn’t show anything wrong!” followed by “bad news? This test didn’t show anything wrong, so we need to run a different test.” Blood test after blood test and one invasive procedure after another…

If you have ever wanted something that always seemed just out of reach, you can understand the feelings that start to overcome a person who wants a baby and can’t seem to make one. Regardless of the reasons, you start to feel totally inadequate.

I found myself in this place of sadness and confusion. Didn’t God make women to have children? Didn’t he say “go forth and multiply”? Why was I defective? I constantly wondered what egregious thing I had done that I was being punished for.

In 2005, Brian was offered a job back in Pennsylvania and we decided it was time to move on. Our 3 years in Vermont were fabulous. The bond with my parents, the learning experience at the restaurant, the growth in our relationship and the financial recovery that we were able to make during those years is unforgettable. It was hard to leave, but we knew that it was time. And we were going back to a place where our friends awaited us with open arms.

I found a new doctor – someone who specialized in fertility care and soon a diagnosis was finally reached. What a relief! Now, we could start treating the problem. Women with Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome are plagued with inadequate hormone support as well as the potential of not ovulating at all. There was treatment, though. In conjunction with daily charting, I found myself on hormone supplements, ovulatory stimulants, mucus builders and a monthly requirement for blood work. Needles again!! Have I mentioned yet my complete distaste and fear of needles??

After a YEAR of treatments, the doctor decided it was time to examine the possibility of endometriosis. An exploratory surgery was scheduled for February of 2007– and off I went. The surgery was successful. Not only did they discover stage 2 endometriosis, but scar tissue from the previous surgery and one ovary stuck to the outside of my uterus!!

I was losing hope. It had been 4 years since that Valentine’s Day when we decided it was time to have a baby. Suddenly, everyone around me seemed pregnant. All of my friends were either having babies or were DONE having babies. We’d been married for 8 years and had heard “so, when are you having kids?” so many times that I had lost track. And, let me tell you, when you want desperately to have a baby and CAN’T – nothing hurts more than hearing that question. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go on. The routine was ridiculous. Take Chlomid days 3-7, take Mucinex day 12 thru Peak + 1, take antibiotic days 12-16, take progesterone and estrodial Peak + 3 thru Peak + 12, have blood test on Peak +7. It was exhausting!! It was almost comical sometimes. Go to the doctor for a cold or physical or whatever and what do they ask…”are you on any medications right now?” Boy, I had to bring in a sheet. I was like a walking pharmacy when I had to bring bottles with me to show labels. Was it worth it? Were the stress and anxiety and depression and heartache ever going to pay off? How much longer was I going to have to wait?

January 25, 2008…I got the call…the wait was over.

Scaling the Mountain to Mommy-hood, part 1

Why part 1, you ask?  The answer is simple...some mountains are bigger than others and the one I climbed to come a mother was HUGE and the story must be absorbed in pieces.

Brian and I were married in 1999 and knew that we wanted kids.  We also knew that we didn't want to have them right away - after all, we still had to finish our final semester of college, find jobs, get used to being married.  We didn't have much of a plan, just the idea that waiting a few years would be wise.  So we did.

After being married for 4 years, we had gone through me changing jobs, Brian losing a job, moving to Vermont to live WITH my parents.  All of these things made us focus on our relationship and getting through these struggles.  While living with my parents I felt like we had hit a stride in our life.  We were communicating well, paying off debt and looking at our future.  In the midst of this we decided that there was never a perfect time for a family.  So, now seemed like as good a time as any to start trying.  So, in 2003 we decided to start a family.  After all, God was in control and He wouldn't give us kids until the time was perfect for us and we were ready for it.  So began the journey.

I suppose that you never know if you are going to struggle getting pregnant.  At this point I didn't know anyone who struggled with infertility and it certainly wasn't something that many people spoke about.  In fact, aside from my doctor talking about it once, it never really came up.

You see, when I was a sophomore in college I had some medical problems that brought me to the doctor.  Menstrual cramping that would bring me to my knees and put me in bed for a day.  It was ridiculous.  After exams, testing and ultrasounds the doctor discovered a growth on my ovary.  It was the scariest moment of my life.  The ultrasound revealed the growth to have solidity to it, indicating that it would like be malignant.  Not something your average 19 year old hears.  I had to take a semester off of college to have surgery to remove the growth.

Prayers were in abundance and I felt the reality of miracles in my life for the first time.  The surgery went smoothly and the doctors removed 2 growths the size of grapefruits from my left ovary.  The miracle?  They were fully liquid.  Just cysts!  Completely benign.  It was amazing!  Was the ultrasound wrong or did God heal me before the doctors could do their work?  I suppose that this is a moment I look back to frequently - as a reminder of God's healing touch.

So, if the growths were simple benign cysts, what kind of concern should there be regarding conception?  Well, the ovary was twisted, small and under-developed leaving the doctors uncertain if it was functional.  Then there is the scar tissue.

So, knowing this, we decided to put our faith in the Lord and work on starting a family.  Little did I know that it was going to be 5 years until I experienced God's next miracle in my life.  Here starts the journey down a road so long and over mountains so treacherous that I thought that I was lost sometimes.